I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
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Aaaa…CHOO!
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”