I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
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You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
robber: give me all the cheddar or i鈥檒l shoot
me: here take my wallet i don鈥檛 want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Husband: you鈥檙e in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 馃槀
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 馃檪
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin