Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
sliding into dms like
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?