Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
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Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example