No selfies while hijacking a train.
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Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning