Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
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When I play the kazoo, I play to win
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!