That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
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me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
The opposite of Iceland is water water
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Me: how are you
Friday: good
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.