GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary