Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
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I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year