If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
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Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Well, this is awkward
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.