I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
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A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!