*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
You Might Also Like
thank god the sign was there
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.