Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
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Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Education is vital
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died