ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
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doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….