Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
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Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.