“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
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I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is