it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
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Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.