Eating wings is the opposite of flying
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Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Me trying to walk in a dream
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.