I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
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The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
This is the one
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.