I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
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When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Free him