I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
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I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I have never related to a cat more
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what