*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
felt that
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Sign of the day..
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.