That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
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[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house