Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
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I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I think they could have phrased this better
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?