Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
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I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
This fish is cracking me up
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.