[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
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I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
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*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword