2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
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The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.