the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
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Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
🤣🤣
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances