Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
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Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*