there will never be a funnier headline than this one
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6. me as a lawyer
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
a badder mouse
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…