Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
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Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I am crying
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.