“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
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How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
#milo
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!