You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
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5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Beware of the dog..
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.