STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
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She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
#StillHurts
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I put the p in pants.