[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
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George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
the world’s most popular steaming services
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it