I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
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I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes