My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
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Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]