Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
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“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[shakes fist at other fist]
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente