everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
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PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.