my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
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Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Cause of death: Zumba