Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
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[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?