Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
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You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive