Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
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People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy