My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
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No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…