P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
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Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb