[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
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I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
A dad and his duck
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.