I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
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Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
What kind of a cult is this?
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.