What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
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Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
A double negative is a big no-no.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.