John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
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88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves