Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
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[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Rather alarming headline…
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.